Algumas piadas em Inglês

Kids Say The Darndest Things...
>>>>TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.>>>>MARIA: Here it is.>>>>TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?>>>>CLASS: Maria.>>>>____________________________________
>>>>>>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the >>floor?>>>>JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.>>>>__________________________________________
>>>>TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?">>>>GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L>>>>TEACHER: No, that's wrong>>>>GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.>>>>____________________________________________
>>>>TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?>>>>DONALD: H I J K L M N O.>>>>TEACHER: What are you talking about?>>>>DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.>>>>__________________________________
>>>>TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we >>didn't have>>ten years ago.>>>>WINNIE: Me!>>>>__________________________________________>>>>TEACHER: Rodney, why do you always get so dirty?>>>>GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.>>>>_______________________________________
>>>>TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I.">>>>MILLIE: I is...>>>>TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am.">>>>MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.">>>>_________________________________
>>>>TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's >>cherry tree,>>but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't >>punish>>him?>>>>LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.>>>>______________________________________
>>>>TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before >>eating?>>>>SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.>>>>______________________________
>>>>TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as >>your>>brother's. Did you copy his?>>>>CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.>>>>___________________________________
>>>>TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking >>when people>>are no longer interested?>>>>HAROLD: A teacher

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A Woman Accompanied . . .
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, " If you don`t dothe following, your husband will surely die. "1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to workin a good mood.2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a goodframe of mind before he goes back to work.3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don`t burden him with household chores.4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had saidto her. She replied, "You`re going to die. "

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Read it fast!
Olny srmat poelpe can.I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn´t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.! Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Significado de Algumas Palavras
Clock- Bater: Ele deu um Clockna cabeça do amigo.
Label- Parte de fora da boca: Elapassou batom no Label.
Talk- Pó branco que as mães passamnos bebês: O melhor Talk éo Johnson.
Never- Flocos de gelo que caem no inverno:É bom fazer bonecos de Never.
Begin- Buraquinho que todos tem nabarriga: Meu Begin é pequeno.
Too Much- Fruto vermelho de fazer salada oumolho: Tem molho de TooMuch?
Say You- Mama das mulheres: OsSay Yous daquela mulhersão grandes.
Quick- Instrumento musical usado emSamba: Gosto de tocar Quick.
Hair- Marcha do carro:Ele engatou a Hair.
Somewhere- Nome usado no interior: OSomewhere é irmão do Manuer.
Ice- Expressão de desejo:Ice ela me desse bola. . .
Beach- Homem afeminado:Ele é meio Beach.
Dick- Começo de música brega:Dick vale ter tudo na vida. . .
Dark- Palavra usada em provérbio:É melhor Dark receber!
Monday- Mandar: Ontem Monday lavar o carro.
Part- Lugar para onde mandamos as pessoas:Vai para o raio que o Part!
Soccer- Agressão física: Deium Soccer nele!Shoot- Outro tipo de agressão física:Dei um Soccer, mas recebium Shoot. . .'
Mister Can`T- Sanduíche de queijo e presunto:Gosto de Mister Can`T.
May Go- Pessoa dócil, afável:Ele é muito May Go.
Hello- Esbarrar: Ele Helloo braço na parede.
Packer- Prefixo que indica bastante: Eugosto dela Packer-amba!
Education- Parte do rosto: Este cravo saiu Education.
The Smithes- Mandar embora: O patrãoThe Smithes quem nãotrabalha.
Show- Verbo que indica auto-afirmação:Eu Show eu!
Good- Bolinha de vidro: Ele gosta dejogar bolinha de Good.
Sad- Quando se precisa de água: No desertoas pessoas sentem Sad.
Stock Car- Guardar materiais em estoque:Preciso Stock Car óleo.
Apple Pie- Algo que ser do pai: Estepresente Apple Pie dela.
Body- Animal que vive no pasto: Acabra é a fêmea do Body.
Mickey May- Queimadura: MickeyMay todo.
You- Curiosidade: You seuirmão, como vai.
Bottom- Colocar: Eles Bottom tudo no lugar errado.

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Marriage
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son-- Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.-- Son : "I will choose my own bride".-- Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates`s daughter. "-- Son : "Well, in that case. . . "Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.-- Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter. "-- Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry. "-- Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank. "-- Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case. . . "Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.-- Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. "-- President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need. "-- Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates`s son-in-law. "-- President: "Ah, in that case. . . . . "This is how business is done!

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Traduzindo. . . Layout - Fora da lei
Go Home - Vai a Roma
So Free - Sofri, padeci
His my son - Ele é maçom
U. S. Mail - meio dos Estados Unidos
Know How - Saber latir
Feel Good - Bom frio
Merry Christmas - Maria Cristina
Welcome - Bom apetite
Are you sick - Voce tem C. I. C.?
She´s cute - ela escuta
Happy New Year - Feliz Ouvido Novo
One Ice-cream - Um crime cometido com frieza
I´m alone - Estou na lona
Born to loose - Nascido em Toulose
Big Ben - Benzão
Go ahead - Gol de cabeça
That`s all - Aquele é o Al
Fourteen - Pessoa baixa e forte
It´s Ten O´Clock - Tu tens relógio
She´s wonderful - Queijo maravilhoso
To sir with love - Tossir com amor
It´s too late - É muito leite
Corn Flakes - Cornos frescos
Halloween - Quando a ligação não está boa
Telling The Truth - talão da T. R. U.
Free Shop - Chope de graça
I´m Hungry - Sou húngaro
To be champion - Ser bi-campeão
I´m sad - estou com sede
A hot day - Arrotei
With noise - conosco
A fair lady - feirante
I go tomorrow - O gato morreu
Stock car - estocar
The boy is behind the door - O boi está berrando de dor
She must to go - Ela mastigou
Handsome - Alguma mão
Fourteen - Pessoa um pouco forte
Star in the sky - Estar no céu
All night long - Tudo de nylon
Her eyes - As dores delaS
he`s trying again - Ela está traindo alguém
Prisioneer - Prisão próxima
Four seasons - Os quatro cisos
Monday - Alguém dizendo à mãe sobre uma experiência sexual
Before - Esteja foraYellow river - E ela é horrível
Everybody - Todos os bodesUp-to-date - Levanta que eu quero deitar